Funny And Wise Quotes From The Funniest People Ever

Relax, laugh and have a good time with these quotes from some of the funniest people in showbiz, all curated by the Wantate review team.

Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. It’s kind of a shock. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light. Bill Murray

People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. Bill Murray

There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments. Chris Rock

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Chris Rock

If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty. Chris Rock

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game. Chris Rock

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. Chris Rock

What the fuck do women want? I know what you want: everything. Chris Rock

They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug? Dave Chappelle

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. Dave Chappelle

Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through. Dave Chappelle

A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it. Jerry Seinfeld

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked. Jerry Seinfeld

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’. Jerry Seinfeld

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. Jerry Seinfeld

For more great humour and plenty of eBooks and podcasts, check out Wantate today.

Funny family quotes to give you a giggle

If you are looking for a good giggle you can share with your family, then check out this collection curated by the Wantate review team.

Harry S. Truman: “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.”

Rick Riordan: “Families are messy. Immortal families are eternally messy. Sometimes the best we can do is to remind each other that we're related for better or for worse and try to keep the maiming and killing to a minimum.”

Johnny Depp: “If someone were to harm my family or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

Francis Bacon: “Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.”

George Burns: “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring family in another city.”

Rodney Dangerfield: “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

Marge Kennedy: “Soup is a lot like a family. Each ingredient enhances the others; each batch has its own characteristics, and it needs time to simmer to reach full flavor.”

Penelope Lombard: “My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”

George Carlin: “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

Phyllis Diller: “Always be nice to your children, because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

Jerry Seinfeld: “Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.”

Erma Bombeck: “In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.”

Sam Levenson: “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”

W.C. Fields: “All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”

Cary Grant: “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

Jerry Seinfeld: “Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”

Emo Philips: “When I was 10, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was 12, I found them.”

Funny Family Guy Quotes

Peter Griffin: “Remember how you wanted that new wedding engagement ring? Well, I got a horse.”

Stewie Griffin: “I say, Mother, this hotdog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't cut itself.”

Chris Griffin: “My dad is smarter than your dad.” Meg Griffin: “We have the same dad, idiot.” Chris: Yeah, but mine's smarter.”

Lois Griffin: “What's going on down here?” Stewie: “We're playing house.” Lois: “But that boy's all tied up!” Stewie: “Roman Polanski's house.”

For more great humour and plenty of eBooks and podcasts, check out Wantate today.

Funny books for any day of the week

If you are looking for some fun books to brighten up your day, take a look at these curated by the Wantate review team.

Diary of a Drag Queen by Crystal Rasmussen (2019)

Before Crystal was Crystal, Tom was born in a tough town full of tough men and even tougher women. Quite how, many years later, they found themselves indulging in the pleasures of the night with a 79-year-old builder before knocking over his sister's ashes while trying to feed him a Viagra is genuinely a story to behold.

Then there’s the time they... actually, it’s better you read her other stories for yourself. Bohemian, yes, but Rasmussen's stories are anything but a drag – they're funny, heartfelt, and so lurid they should come with a free defibrillator. But more than that, they are shatteringly honest. Because their life hasn’t all been big-heels and butterfly eyelashes. There have been dark times, too.

Poetic, distinctive, and neck-achingly funny, this is the story of how Rasmussen set their "glam and gorj" inner diva free.

Reasons to Be Cheerful by Nina Stibbe (2019)

Nina Stibbe has mastered the balance of pathos and humour, so it’s hard to recommend just one of her books. But Reasons to Be Cheerful perhaps best exemplifies her acute ability to revel in the inherent absurdity of everyday life.

Stibbe’s most recent novel follows teenager Lizzie Vogel, whose new job as a dental assistant seems to promise independence until it doesn’t. Instead, Reasons to Be Cheerful revels in the youthful, mundane heartbreak of realizing that autonomy doesn’t equate to freedom. She’s still tied to her alcoholic mother, her sexless boyfriend, and the seemingly endless parade of small tragedies (foot fungus, a disrespectful boss) that life can sometimes be.

Insightful and comic in equal measure, Reasons to Be Cheerful might just turn your bad day into a hysterical one.

For more great funny humour reads, check out Wantate.

Hilarious Podcasts You Should Listen to in 2019

Here are three hilarious podcasts that are well worth incorporating into your playlist.

WTF Podcast With Marc Maron. Marc Maron is everywhere these days, especially since his stellar work on GLOW, but he’s nothing new. His podcast has been running for nearly a decade now, and with over 1000 episodes under his belt there’s much to catch up on. His brand of comedy can be obscene at times, but it’s intellectual comedy at its best, and well worth exploring.

That’s How I Remember It. Have you ever told a story but forgot some of the details? Have you ever done the same thing with a movie plot? Well, that’s exactly what happens when a group of four improv artists get together and to their best to recount the storylines from classic movies. Their efforts are seldom accurate, but always hilarious.

My Dad Wrote a Porno. You’ll perhaps cut your family some slack and feel a little less embarrassed by your parents after a few episodes of My Dad Wrote a Porno. Some time ago host Jamie Morton found out his dad wrote a collection of erotic novels, so he did what anyone who values their sanity would do, he read them. With the help of his best friends Alice Levine and Adam Cooper, and the occasional use of sultry British accents, Morton reads one chapter each week to his insatiable audience.

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